Why Are Difficult Conversations So Hard?
As a new manager, you’ll quickly discover that difficult conversations are part of the job. And while they are often uncomfortable, they’re not difficult for no reason. These conversations challenge you as a leader, they require you to address issues head-on, navigate emotions, all the while maintaining a productive dialogue.
It’s not just about delivering a message. It’s about managing the emotions, relationships, and expectations that come with it. It can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re new to management, but these conversations are essential for both your personal growth and the development of your team.
Emotions Are Key
For new managers, it’s important to understand that emotions are often the root of difficult conversations. Whether it’s fear of conflict, anxiety about upsetting someone, or the discomfort of addressing performance issues, emotions can make a conversation feel much harder than it needs to be.
You might worry about upsetting an employee or damaging the relationship. But avoiding tough conversations doesn’t make the issues go away. Instead, they often grow bigger and harder to address.
The key is not to avoid the emotions but to manage them.
Recognising the emotional components of a conversation allows you to stay grounded and focused, even when things get tense.
The Value of Difficult Conversations
As a new manager, it might feel like you’re walking into a minefield when you have to address tough issues with your team. But these are the conversations that help your team grow, and they help you develop as a leader.
Think about it: a conversation about performance, whether it’s addressing missed deadlines or unproductive behaviour, is not just about confronting an issue. It’s about providing clarity, offering feedback, and setting expectations. These conversations help align team members with the goals of the organisation and improve overall performance.
By handling these tough talks well, you show that you’re committed to their growth and that you care about the success of the team. That builds trust and respect, two essential pillars of leadership.
Why Hard Conversations Are Beneficial for New Managers
You may feel like a bunny in headlights when faced with your first difficult conversation, but remember: hard conversations are often the ones that offer the most growth, for both you and the employee.
As a new manager, you’re learning how to give feedback and coach others.
The more experience you gain in having these conversations, the more confident you’ll become. These moments are valuable learning experiences. They challenge you to develop your communication skills, emotional intelligence, and conflict-resolution abilities.
“hard conversations are often the ones that offer the most growth, for both you and the employee”
It’s also important to note that avoiding difficult conversations can have long-term negative consequences for both individual performance and team dynamics. Addressing issues early on leads to a more effective, efficient, and happier team.
Different Perspectives, Same Reality
One of the trickiest aspects of managing people is that everyone perceives the same reality differently. As a new manager, you’ll face situations where an employee thinks they’re doing well, but the reality is they’re missing the mark. This is especially true when it comes to performance feedback or resolving conflicts.
For instance, if you need to discuss an employee’s performance but they’re under the impression that they’re meeting expectations, this difference in perception can make the conversation more challenging.
Your goal as a manager is to align these differing perspectives by clearly communicating your expectations and the impact of their actions.
When you approach these conversations with empathy and clarity, you can bridge the gap between perception and reality and foster an open, honest dialogue that leads to a positive outcome for everyone involved.
Overcoming the Fear of Difficult Conversations
As a new manager, the fear of difficult conversations can feel overwhelming. It’s normal to feel anxious, especially if you’re not used to addressing sensitive topics or new to giving constructive feedback. But a key to overcoming this fear is preparation.
Start by identifying what exactly makes the conversation difficult. Is it the subject matter? The person involved? Or is it simply the idea of having a confrontation? Understanding the specific concern will help you address it more effectively.
For example, if you’re nervous about giving feedback to a team member who’s sensitive to criticism, consider how you can frame your feedback constructively. Instead of focusing on what they’re doing wrong, highlight areas of improvement and offer support on how they can get there.
Preparation and practice are your allies in overcoming the fear of these conversations. The more you have, the more comfortable you’ll become.
As part of your preparation, focus on shifting your mindset. Instead of thinking, ‘I understand’ (the issue), try adopting the perspective of ‘Help me understand’, as recommended in Difficult Conversations. This small shift can make a big difference, leading to more open, empathetic, and productive discussions while fostering clearer communication.
Don’t Forget Why the Conversation Is Necessary
It’s easy to get caught up in the discomfort of having a difficult conversation and forget why it’s needed in the first place. As a new manager, it’s essential to stay focused on the outcome you want to achieve.
Before the conversation, think about the following:
Having a clear understanding of why the conversation is necessary and what you hope to achieve will help you stay on track and keep the conversation focused on solutions, not emotions.
Tip! Anticipating an employee’s reaction can also give you insight into how you’ve been communicating up to that point.
For example, if you expect defensiveness about underperformance, it may be a sign that expectations weren’t communicated clearly before. This is a great opportunity to reflect on how you communicate and learn how to do it more effectively in the future.
Stay Focused and Keep it Narrow
As a new manager, it can be tempting to bring up multiple issues at once in a difficult conversation. However, diluting the real issue by adding too many topics can make the conversation less effective and cause confusion. Instead, focus on the one key issue that needs attention. Keep it narrow.
By staying focused on the main concern, you’ll prevent the conversation from becoming overwhelming.
Avoid veering into unrelated topics or bringing up past mistakes, as this can dilute the message and make it harder to address the core issue
Staying on point will ensure a clearer, more productive conversation and make it easier for everyone involved to move forward.
Finally, Embrace the Growth Opportunity
As manager, these tough conversations will now become a more regular part of your role. It’s part of the job. While they may never feel easy, they are one of the most valuable tools for personal and team development. By preparing, staying focused, and addressing issues with empathy and clarity, you’ll gain confidence as a leader and build stronger relationships with your team.
Remember: it’s just a conversation. And often, it’s the hardest conversations that lead to the most growth, for both you and your team.
Struggling with tough conversations? Contact us or check out our 1:1 Performance Conversations training program to boost your confidence and skills.