What’s Stopping You? It’s Only a Conversation Right?

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Difficult conversations aren’t called difficult for nothing. But what’s so hard? There are just words right? Wrong.

Some things in life are easy to say, in fact, often we find ourselves in trouble for saying too much. However there other things we can struggle to utter one honest word about.

For many of us, it’s all about emotions.

Emotional Overload

Difficult conversations are often more than laced in emotion, they are lathered in it – and the not the warm and fuzzy kind. There can be discomfort, tears and even anger. It’s no wonder no-one likes them.

After all, who sets out to see if they can upset someone, or hurt their feelings? Or seeks out a confrontation or to develop a conflict at work? Who want to test or damage relationships with people you work closely with?

Very few us. Which is why, we find difficult conversations so hard. But that’s no reason not to have them.

Difficult conversations are usually the conversations that help us the most in life.

When done well, difficult conversations open the door to change and opportunity. When done well, emotions are managed, confrontation’s and conflict are kept in check, and relationships are maintained.

Hard Conversations Are Most Helpful

By nature, it is often the harder conversations that help us most in life and learning.

The same can be said for difficult conversations about work performance. Usually it is those conversations from which we have the biggest opportunity to learn and grow, both professionally, and personally.

That however still doesn’t absolve the fact of just how overwhelming, and at times, down right hard they can be to have – even for the most experienced and confident managers.

There are many reasons why we find some conversations ‘difficult’. These reasons can vary and change at different times. It can depend on the situation, the context, the relationship, and also just simply how we are feeling.

Different Perceptions Same Reality Can Spell Difficult

Difficult situations (and ensuing conversations) can also arise when there are differing perceptions of the same reality.

Ever worked with someone who thought they were the most productive member of the team, when in actual fact they were in the bottom 20%? That’s a difference in perception – and they can be really tricky to deal with.

The challenge with differing perceptions is you are dealing with someone’s view, their opinion, their take. It comes from within. So clearly, a conversation to clarify, and create alignment is potentially going to be a difficult one.

Overcoming the ‘Difficult Conversation Dread’

Understanding what your specific dread or difficulty is one way to quickly overcome the ‘difficult conversation dread’. Chances are it will vary from conversation to conversation, so break it down. Be as specific as you can.

Is it the topic that is causing you to fill with dread? Or is it the situation? Or is it the person?

Is the person naturally an overly defensive character that doesn’t respond well to any level of feedback, or truth? Or is it an ex peer that you now have to manage that is making it feel awkward, and uncomfortable for you?

By breaking it down, you make it manageable. By identifying what specifically is causing you the most concern about having the conversation, you are able to make a plan of how you will manage yourself, and the conversation itself.

Don’t Lose Sight of Why It Needs to Happen

It is easy to caught up in everything that is concerning about a conversation and lose sight of why it is necessary in the first place. When that happens, there is a risk of going wide on the issue, or going wide on the outcome you want to achieve.

In preparing for the conversation be super clear on what outcome you want to achieve from the conversation. Think also about;
1. Why the conversation is necessary?
2. What are the key points you need to communicate?
3. How might they react, or respond?

Having thought how about they might react before the conversation can help you better prepare and manage the moment and keep the conversation moving forward.

Tip! Often the predicted response can you tell a bit about problem itself and why it’s difficult conversation in the first place, particularly in the context of underperformance. Take the opportunity to learn from it.

For example, if it’s about underperformance, and you’re thinking they’ll be surprised – and therefore take it poorly. Then it is probably a good time to reflect on your communication about expectations, and the feedback you’ve given – or perhaps what you haven’t given or said on the issue.

Don’t Go Wide, Keep it Narrow

Be brave and keep it narrow – don’t do wide, that is not helpful to anyone.

Sure these steps won’t wipe every trace of discomfort, emotion or difficultly from the conversation – but they will make it a heck of a lot more doable.

As uncomfortable as the conversation might get, keep on point, and stay on track. Keep front of mind the most difficult conversations are usually the most helpful, it’s about learning, and growth.

After all, it’s just a conversation right? Just words…